"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.

Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.

I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.

Once upon a Halloween night,

A coven of witches took flight;

They went to the UN;

Added an “F” to UN.,

From then on the world’s future was more bright.

The lager you wait, the better it tastes.

"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr

What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.

Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.

What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.

What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.

Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.

What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.

How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.

Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"

How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!

When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"

Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.

A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?

Hey summer, long time no sea!

What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!

It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.

I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.

Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car

Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!

People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.

What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.

Yeah but what about the ears?

You never heard of mountaineers?

My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.

You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.

If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!

Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.

Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.

Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant