"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
Would you call a hardy unicorn that survived disease an immunicorn?
I'm snow bored.
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.