“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
I lost my future girlfriend's phone number.
I think you might have it.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.