Once upon a Halloween night,
A coven of witches took flight;
They went to the UN;
Added an “F” to UN.,
From then on the world’s future was more bright.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
My friend finally overcame his addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
He quit cold turkey.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
Would you like to share fire with me?
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Why do we enjoy wine jokes?
Because they're de-vine!
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Readers do it by the book.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Genoa bout the bridge collapse in Italy?
Ah well, we won't go over it then.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
What is the result of an art competition? A draw.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton