My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
You’re my heartthrob.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
I’m no vampire but I’m fine with getting no sleep and biting your neck all night.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
I really like you. So does my wife.
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What do you call a goat who is in charge of a university?
Billy Dean.
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
How do you know if it’s too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-cooked eggs.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
4 Norse gods, 1 roman God, and 2 astrological bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says: Oh, this is gonna be a week joke
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
I want a taste of your Milky Way.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.