49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My sister was diagnosed as color blind. The revelation really came out of the blue.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
What did communists use before candles?
Electricity.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
I was born smart,
What happened to you?!
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
What is your favorite yoga pose?
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
God grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"