What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.

What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.

I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.

It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.

Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.

I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.

What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.

We have great chemis-tree.

Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!

This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!

Up to snow good.

Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.

Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."

"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown

Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.

Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.

Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.

I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.

“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno

Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.

What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.

How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!

You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.

One should always practice what they peach.

Hmm, there seems to be a kiss of mint in this blend. How about a real kiss, just to be sure?

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.

What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

Your shirt must be made out of husband material.

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.

Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed

What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!

“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”

– Deirdre Sullivan

Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.

My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!

“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?​” -​Kin Hubbard

Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.

If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.

Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.