What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
I think I'm getting curvature of the spine...
I haven't seen a doctor yet, it's just a hunch.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
He threw three free throws.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What’s Austrian and took over France?
Croissants.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
I have bean
thinking about you.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.