Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
You look like my future ex wife.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Donut even think about taking another donut!
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
"Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you."
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!