What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
Case in punt
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
Can I hiber-mate with you?
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
Why did the Cold War go on for so long?
Because Russia kept Stalin.
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.