The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
I want you for no raisin.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.