Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
What Do You Call A Duck That Steals?
A robber ducky.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.