When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
I may study semantics, but you're what gives my life meaning.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
An apple and an orange signed up for a tournament. No one was really surprised when they had both were seeded.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
I walked past Mozart's grave.
He was sitting up, shouting "Braaiinnss" and ripping up all his music.
I guess he's a decomposer now.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
God was just showing off when he made you.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash