Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.
“Older siblings: the only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment and beat up anyone else who tries.”—Unknown
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.