The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.

I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.

My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"

And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".

"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner

Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck

I’ll be there in a pinch.

Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. Why? Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)

(Laura E. Richards)

What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!

Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.

“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear

I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.

What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.

How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?

There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.

Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!

Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.

"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert

Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown

There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!

Dublin over in laughter.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.

I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”

What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.

Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.

I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald

Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.

It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.

They call me Ace, because you just got served.

What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.

What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.

What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin

I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.

Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.