Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
You’re Isaacly my type
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Tis the sea-sun.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.