I’m rooting for you!
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What do you call someone who lost her Marital arts tournament?
Divorced.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What did the reindeer dad tell his son?
Deer to be different!
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Rock was magma before it was cool.
What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.