Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.