My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
You will always have
a pizza of my heart.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
I was hiking in mountains the other day and a big cat started attacking me
Man, I puma pants
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?