What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
This is snow laughing matter!
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an "X" with his fingers.
He says, "Ten teas, please!"
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
Hey girl… Can I call-cu-later?
Paddy like a rockstar.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!