Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
The Second World War was very slow because they were Stalin.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
Do you have a quarter I can Bora Bora? I want to call my mom and tell her I've met the girl of my dreams.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
"Five Little Acorns"
Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”
The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.
– Debbie Hill
"The Silliest Teacher in School"
Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.
We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.
The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.
“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”
– Darren Sardelli
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Your love will always be up to par.
Why did Santa stop smoking a pipe?
It was bad for his elf!
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
I “lub” you.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause