You look like trash, may I take you out?
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
I'd love to see you s'more.
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
"Grandpa’s Nose"
Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born
I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.
– Judy Valko
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What do you cal purple when it is being mean? Violent.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
"Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?"
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."