Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
What do you say to comfort a grammar teacher?
They’re, there, their.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Books are my kind of texts.
You have been running through my mind all day.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).