What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What do football players wear on their heads? Helminth
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What do you call a clever duck?
A wise quacker.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
How does a car tell you to get out?
‘Get out, or I shall give you the boot.’
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
I like the way you espresso yourself.
We make a great pear
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"