Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.

What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.

I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.

I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.

What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.

Want to see the real coming attraction?

Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.

What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"

Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx

Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.

Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.

What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.

“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown

What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!

Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.

A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.

What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!

“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma

Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.

In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.

What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.

Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!

What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.

The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.

I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.

Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!

Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.

Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.

How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.

What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.

I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!

The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.

What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.

Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.

I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.