“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
"I whip my hare back and forth."
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
Water you doing, my friend?
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do you call a fake bone?
A faux-knee.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!