There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.
Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
You are pitcher perfect.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon