What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
I was selling my bike and an interested buyer asked what’s lowest I’d go.
"About 3 mph," I said, "otherwise I’d tip over."
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
What kind of alcohol do flowers drink?
Rosé.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
What do zombies call a battle between classical music composers where one of them loses their mind?
A de-Bach-le.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Please excuse my resting beach face.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!