How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
You are my raisin to smile.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.