Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
I followed my heart to you.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
Looking for some hunka hunka burning love?
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off?
That’s okay, he’s all-right now!
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.