I want to stick to you like glucose.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
Skiing is believing!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
What happens when you blend an artificial waterway with a tree? You get a root canal.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
Constipated people don’t give a crap.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday