Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
I wondered why flamingos were so strong, so I did a little research. Turns out they do a lot of eggs-er-cise.
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
I whale always love you.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
What can't cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.