Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson

What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."

What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.

Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.

You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff

I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!

How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”

What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!

Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.

My moment in the sun.

Ah! The element of surprise.

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns

Did you hear about the viking who hit his thumb with a hammer and bit his tongue?
It was Thor.

Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon

I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.

A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.

You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.

Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!

Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.

What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams

Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.

"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."

– Sadhguru

What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana

I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

I hate hard drives...
...they byte

Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.

Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.

She had so many chances
Yet she kept muffin it up
Butter intentions were good
Just not much coffee in her cup

Couldn’t make a good decision
Too much waffling back and forth
Always peppered with doubt
Should she head south, no maybe north

Still, she was fun at a party
I would say, hummus a tune
She’d say, Icing because I’m happy
As the words began to croon

Maybe that’s what’s most important
Omelet let her off the hook
So she’s always in a pickle
Doesn’t do things by the book

Once again, I’m gonna help her
Since she is such a good egg
I said, girl, you’d go much farther
If you weren’t such a nut Meg

(Mike Gentile)

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain

“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb

“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy

What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.

Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.

What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.

The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.

"Don't worry, be hoppy."

The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.

"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather

If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!