I aorta tell you how much I love you.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
You have changed my world to polar coordinates. Complex and imaginary things now have a magnitude and direction.
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Burst into cheers!
Did you see that all the snow and ice are melting?
I thaw!
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.