All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Where does the Easter bunny get his eggs? From an eggplant.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?