What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I really hate straws.
They suck.
When you cross a wolf and Fred Astaire, you get dances with wolves.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!