I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.

What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!

"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields

Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”

Why was the glow worm unhappy ?
Because her children weren’t that bright !

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence

Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.

“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter

Beer-lieve it or not!

What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.

What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French

You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.

What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.

What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”

What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.

What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.

“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain

What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.

How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!

An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'

Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!

What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

- Ray Romano.

"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.

I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.

Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.

I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck

Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.

What do you call an ant that doesn’t get warm?
Coolant.

Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.

What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle

Girl, you're such a Banff (i.e., a Bad Ass, Nice, And Fascinating Female).

What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.