The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
"I'm nuts about you."
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Goose
Goose who?
Goose who's knocking at your door again!
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
I’ll never fir-get.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.