What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!

What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.

What do you call a pile of kittens a meowntain

What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel

Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.

I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.

What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma

Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!

When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.

Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.

It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.

What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.

What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!

God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.

Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.

Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!

The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna

I can't let it be until I get your number.

What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.

Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?

How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.

Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright

My pants are approaching escape velocity.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.

What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”

What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.

What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.

How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.

Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,

About Six-tea years to date,

Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,

her cupious amazing traits

Her balanced demeanour

Her Kindness and (earl) grace,

rooibost sense of humour,

too many to name in this teany space,

to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,

let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,

While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,

It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"

Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?

I would love to show you first class.

I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."

What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?

What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"

On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!

Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.

Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.