My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
You had me at cello.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
I came here looking for a little tail.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
We’re in a-green-ment.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?