You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
We bee-long together.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
I’ll never fir-get.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
I'm Claus-trophobic.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
What kind of plant generates the most energy? A power plant.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log