Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.

Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.

You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.

What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry

What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.

What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.

Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.

What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.

The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!

Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.

You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.

Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked

Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.

Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.

My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.

Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.

What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers

Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.

What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"

Don't fork-get your manners.

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.

The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”

Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.

What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.

Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!

What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.

I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.

“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”

- William S. Burroughs.

Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!

“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”

- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’

A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The bar man asks: “have you been served?”

Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.

Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.

Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.

The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.

This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”

Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder

During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.

Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!

What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.

What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque

My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.