I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
This is snow laughing matter!
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Leaf me alone.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
You look a lot like my next victim.
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
How do flamingos clean themselves? They flaminget a shower.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Air resistance is a real drag.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What do you say when you catch a bee? Behold!
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.