Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.