Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
What happens when you buy a dog from the blacksmith?
When he gets home he’ll make a bolt for the door.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
What do you get when you put four ducks in a box?
A box of quackers.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was pollen your leg
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.