What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.