Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Man: "Wow, you're tall! How's the weather up there?"
Woman: "It's raining." and pour a glass on him.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.