Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Irish I had better jokes.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.
You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
My neighbors house got struck by lightning.
It hit close to home.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.