The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.

I love you so fairy much.

I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.

I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.

Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”

"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.

Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.

“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote

What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.

The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?

What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!

Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.

Is there wifi in here? Because I feel we have a strong connection.

What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque

General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"

What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

What happens when you blend sulfur, tungsten and silver together? SWAG.

“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw

What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.

What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!

Every piece of you is sweet.

What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.

Are you a cat? Because you're purrrrrfect.

"I hear voices, too. Voices that say, 'If you don't kiss her soon, you're a chump.'"
- Jimmy Stewart, You Can't Take It with You (1938)

I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.

What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!

A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.

Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.

What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.

"Humor is reason gone mad."

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard

I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!

What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.

It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.

Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.

How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.

I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.

Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.

I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.

What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.

Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).

What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?

My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.