“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
“Not everybody has to love me. I can’t force you to have good taste.”
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
You’re my lucky charm.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
I call the shots.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What do cats read in the morning? The mewspaper!
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
That’s a-may-zing!
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.