“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”
Demetri Martin
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
You’re my #1 pick.
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.