He threw three free throws.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
I can heartly wait to see you again.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Don’t moss around.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!