Believe in your elf.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
My son fell asleep last night with the TV clicker in his hand.
He’s really embraced remote learning.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.