Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
I bet you’re really flexible.
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
"I make pour decisions."
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
I want you more than I want world peace.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey