I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet? When it's not raining!
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
You’re Isaacly my type
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!