What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.
His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.
As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.
For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.
- Max Scratchman
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? It needed a filling!"
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
You can fill my caudate nucleus with dopamine anytime.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
"Adulting makes me wine."
We’ve got serious chemistry.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."