What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
Let me plant one on ya!
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
“I think yoga should be for everyone, not just the folks who change their name to something Hindu.” — Tara Stiles
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Roofs of mushrooms rarely mush too much.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
Beer-lieve it or not!
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
I may not be Mumford, but do you want to have my sons?
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!