“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
What time do spacemen get up? Alien in the morning.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!