“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
You're hotter than a Bunsen burner.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
Why was the deer a good driver? He was great at using the deering wheel!
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What are police cars made of?
Copper
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
I call the shots.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.