“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
You mermaid to go far.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Nothing really mattress.
You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.
You know what really makes my blood boil?
The vacuum of space.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Do you also feel the strong gravitational pull of my bed?
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
A bear's least favorite pastry at any party is the blue bear-y pie.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.