I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.
"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"
"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.
"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'
"So here I am."
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."
Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."
And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."
(Martin Gardner)
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.