"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Can I claim your baggage?
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
"Joker Grandpa"
Always finds a way, to make fun of my folks,
He is hilarious, with plenty of jokes.
A true expert, on many pranks,
For making us laugh; a little thanks.
At the dinner table, he’s rarely serious,
His tricks are cool and quite mysterious.
I’m not saying that he knows magic,
Some of his stunts are lame and tragic.
Grandpa knows how to pull your strings,
A cheerful guy, that constantly sings.
Never know, what he’ll come up with next,
Our joker grandpa, fun and perplex.
Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.
(Anonymous)
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.