Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Goat milk?
Honestly, I'm into necrophilia. Wanna come home and play dead?
It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
You’re the queen of my heart.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
If trees could kill you, they wood.
I had a job directing an elementary school theater production.
It wasn't hard work, after all, it was child's play.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
I bought a wig for a dollar...
It was a small price toupee.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!