A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV.
Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
“The road to success is always under construction.”
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
It’s snow joke.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
What would you get if you'd put a lawyer in a suit? A lawsuit.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Whats the difference between and orchestra and a bull? On the bull the horns are in the front and the a***ole is in the back.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Have you heard about the restaurant that caters exclusively to dolphins?
It only has one customer, but at least it serves a porpoise.
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.