My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
How do volleyball players deliver their messages? Through Air Mail.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Do you know the difference between a wasps and a bee? A wasp is mean and aggressive… but Abby is sweet and cute
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
March 17 is near, and I am so excited about it. The clover it gets, the more excited I become.
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.