She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
It’s pretty plane and simple… I really think we could take off.
Up to snow good.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
I dig you a hole lot.
Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?
I didn't know angels flew this low.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
What do you call a depressed tick from ancient Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.