There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.