This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What song does a painter sing when he is in truly dire straits? Monet for Nothing.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Where do you go to weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Why was the painter upset when his doctor bought all of his paintings? The doctor thought the paintings would go up in value after his death.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
“I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.” — Clarence Darrow.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
Trowel and error.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
I’m considering a modulation… Because I want to come up to your level
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I beg your garden?
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.