What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Timing, what’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.