Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.
Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!
- Denise Rodgers
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
I dreamt about you. You died.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
You look pretty fun, I hope this means I’m headed into a new S-era of good luck
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!