I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
My friends have been calling me a loon, because I'm crazy about you.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
I had to borrow my friend’s trumpet because I sounded too good on my own, and people would be jealous!
I didn’t want to toot my own horn.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
These thousand tricky tongue twisters trip thrillingly off the tongue.
Wholey-grain! You really bread my mind!
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
The painting was framed, so the cops arrested it.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.