A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.

My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."

I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.

Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.

Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.

"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry

Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.

Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.

We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

Wow, you drive me Davi

The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.

I hand out couple assists per game, but never landed on a dime like you

If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.

Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.

What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.

What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.

How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it

I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.

What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.

What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.

I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.

Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.

Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.

Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt

Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!

To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.

"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld

The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.

Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.

What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!

How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.

How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"

Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen

If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?

Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?

Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.

Why did the frog lose his job on the mushroom farm? He stole the toads-tool.