“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
Cheesy Valentines Day Sayings
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
I hope my love for you is arterial because I don’t want it to be all in vein.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
The reason the mountains are hill areas joke gets reposted so often is because it's peak comedy
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?