Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
Time to spruce things up.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Apparently there's a fruit that is naturally radioactive.
I think that's bananas!
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
You have to hunt down a troll and kill it with a gun. After you find it, you accidently lose sight of it. In rage, you fire your gun. The bullets hit the troll and it dies.
What do you tell the person who sent you on the quest?
- I lost gun-trol.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
The toilets at an AMF are known as the boweling alleys.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Water you doing, my friend?
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.