I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!

Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!

Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.

Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?

My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.

Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?

What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.

If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.

Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish

Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.

Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.

Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.

I aorta tell you how much I love you.

Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.

What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday

What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.

If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?

Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?

Dr. Frankenstein must have been pretty buff.
He was a bodybuilder, after all.

Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.

An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.

Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.

Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.

“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt

These voices in my head have been telling me to come over here and talk to you.

It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.

I think you’re incredi-bowl.

What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!

I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.

Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?

What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!

When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.

What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!

Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.

Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!

Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.

The wind is following a new workout program. It’s called air conditioning.

My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!

Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.