The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Your presence gives meaning to my yoga practice and enlightenment.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
Forget a trophy wife…. I’m looking for a Sophie wife
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
How do two flowers greet each other?
Hey bud, how’s it growing?
What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.