“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
What does the sun drink out of?
Sunglasses!
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
How rude-olf of you.
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was playing Fetch with a boomerang.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
"You had me at merlot."
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
Nothing really mattress.