What do you call a dog who can fight?
A Boxer.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What do you call a Greek philosopher who loves rice?
Arisotto.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
Are you a model?
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Do you like my cologne? It’s derived from the musk gland of the industrious beaver.
That’s a-may-zing!
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum