Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
I got in a fight with a crab yesterday.
When I punched him he ran, goon.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields