What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.

What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.

What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.

Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!

What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.

Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

What would bears be without bees?
Ears.

Vampires can always Count on Dracula.

Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

Winston Churchill

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.

What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!

What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.

I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.

The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.

I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.

I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!

“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty

“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr

For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.

What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.

What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.

How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.

Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.

Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.

“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West

So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..

Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.

One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.

I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

Where does bad light go? PRISM!

What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"

What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.

I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.

What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.

“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses

What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.

Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.