How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Love at frost sight!
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Why could the Italian Chef not unlock his car?
He had Gnocchi.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
What does an artist call his sketch pad? A house.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
This must be decaf, cause you’re just dreamy!
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Did you hear about the soldier who got struck by lightning?
He had to be honorably discharged.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.