Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
If we are both math majors, then why is there so much chemistry between us?
What does a stick say when it falls down?
"Wood you help me up?"
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
During the blizzard, the jalapeno said, I'm a little chilli.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.