What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
I bet you I could stop gambling.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
If Messier retires he's sure to be moosed.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Wow, you drive me Davi
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
Wish upon a starfish.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
I feel like we're in tune
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.