A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Let’s get elf-ed up.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
You must be marked Prestissimo… because you’re dashing.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Can you drive my car?
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
You really flipturn me on.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.
After a tiring day at work, my wife drew me a relaxing bath. It wasn't very smart of me to ask if it was going to be in color or a sketch.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.