I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!

Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.

Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.

What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx

When you come across a werewolf with no legs, how do you call it? Call it anything because it cannot chase you!

What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.

It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.

Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.

So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made

My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.

Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.

Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.

Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.

Salty but sweet.

What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!

Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward

A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.

When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.

What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.

I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it

The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.

Baby, you're a firework.

How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!

Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!

We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.

I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”

Beer-lieve it or not!

What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.

I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.

I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.

What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!

What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.

What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!

Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.

Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!

What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.