Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
How do you cut an ocean in half?
With a seasaw!
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Are you a Victoria's Secret model? Because heaven's missing an Angel.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!