I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
"Some people have no guts."
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
Here comes the sun of my life
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
Nobody wants to sit next to the watermelon in the class because it has a strange smelon.
Why can't Vikings fans eat cereal? Because they choke before they ever reach the bowl.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Why did the corn stalks hold a ceremony in honor of the scarecrow?
To corn-gratulate him for being out standing in their field!
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
Shes a fairy realistic person.
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
I want you for no raisin.