*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
I’m fondue you.
I want you more than I want world peace.
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!