"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke

What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.

"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan

I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.

Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.

What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.

I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.

Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.

I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual

Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.

Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.

What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.

My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown

How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy

How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.

What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.

I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.

Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.

Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.

What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.

I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.

Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.

We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.

What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.

What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.

I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock

My love for you is like no otter.

What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.

Hold on for deer life.

“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.

For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.

Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.

What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.

What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land

How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.

What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.

I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.

Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.