Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
We have great chemis-tree.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Did you hear about the ghoul who had eight arms?
He was very handy!
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
This foundation is rock salad.
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
This may be corny, but you are a-maize-ing.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
Girl you are rocking this run.
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
I’m a man at a farmers' market. Of course, I’m a catch.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
"You focaccia bag, crumb back and get it."
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee