“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln

What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.

Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.

When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.

When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.

"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."

- Phyllis Dille

Can I give you a hug to show you how soft my sweater is?

Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.

What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison

Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!

My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.

If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.

"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.

Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.

What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”

Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships

"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."

"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."

- Cher.

"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore

Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.

What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?

‪I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa. ‬

"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."

What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”

I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.

What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!

What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”

"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."

How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.

"I'm dyeing to know what's up."

A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.

“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”

- H. L. Mencken.

What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.

What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.

hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.