Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
I bet you’re Ethan better in person
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
Do you believe in love at first flight?
You’re the queen of my heart.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
You’re my pot of gold.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
It was so hot that the bee's perm had become extremely unmanageable, so she turned into a frizzbee.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”