"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Gosh, don’t cry it’s just a knock knock joke.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."
Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"
Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Isabella Isabeauty for sure