“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
I'm fondue you, it's true
Funny meat-ing you here.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
All you need is MY love
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I think you've got something in your eye. Oh never mind, it's just a sparkle.
Who granted the fish’s wish?
The fairy cod mother!
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.