The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
I'm Havana dream about you.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.