It’s snow joke.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What do you get when you cross a pickle with an alligator?
A crocodill.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Salty but sweet.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
"Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."- Phyllis Diller
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.