What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
I want to read you from cover to cover.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
I think I glove you.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
"I'm nuts about you."
Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.