What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.

The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.

“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West

The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.

What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.

If you let me, I will chase you like a cheetah.

Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.

What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.

Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!

Sheena leads, Sheila needs.

Seed between the lines.

I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.

I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day

What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.

I am fawn’d of you my deer.

Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.

If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket

What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.

What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.

"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."

"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White

What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict

What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.

What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!

“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”

Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.

What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.

What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice

The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'

What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.

What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.

I’ve got my ion you, baby.

Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.

“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”

- Charles De Gaulle.

You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.