Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
I “lub” you.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Help! I need your number in my long-term memory.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What fruit do vampire bats like the best?
Neck-tarines.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!