Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
We can share my yoga mat so we can become one.
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
If you're wondering if someone's become a vampire, there's an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Tis the sea-sun.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"