Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
I like your wart, want to see a few of mine?
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
You’re udder-ly perfect.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate… Well, here I am!
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In Ten Years
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.