I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Why isn't the the koala a real bear? He doesn't have the right koalifications.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck!
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
French, French Revolution
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What’s black and white and stands in the corner?
A naughty panda.
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?