My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
Rebel without a Claus.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Fishing you a happy day.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
Irish you luck.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Look at me again,
It will be the end of you
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties? Because he's a fun-gi.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
How much will $20 get me?
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell