What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
Sorry, I'm octopied.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Are you a pot-head? Because weed be cute together
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.