What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
It’s party thyme.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Hey girl, you won’t need the Rosetta Stone to translate my love for you.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”