How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
Most camels prefer camelmile drinks because of the nutrition in there.
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.