I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!

What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.

What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel

“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley

Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!

Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!

A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? "Where's Popcorn?"

I made a snap decision to watch football today

How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.

I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.

Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.

There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.

Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson

What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.

Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.

I would ask you if you're tired from running through my mind all day, but from the looks of it, you don't do any running.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.

Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…

A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop

Irish I may, Irish I might.

"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

I can be your travel pillow.

Icy what you did there.

There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.

Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!

The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.

I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?

When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.

Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.

I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster

What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.

I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."

My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"

Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.

What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date